The Style Invitational Week 858 Same OED
By The Empress
Saturday, February 27, 2010; C02
Embase: The chocolate inside the hard
candy coating.
It's Part 2 of a contest we
started in 2007. Here's a list of words that Loser Ne Plus Ultra Russell Beland
has found in another small section of the New Shorter Oxford English
Dictionary. If you know what any of them mean -- for example that an exossation
is "a depriving of bone or fruit stones" -- good for you, but we
don't care.
This week: Make up a false
definition for any of the words listed below. You may use it in a funny
sentence but not in an unfunny sentence.
Ebulum
Echeneis
Eclegme
Ecod
Effatum
Effray
Eglatere
Eidouranion
Elatcha
Elixivate
Embase
Emunge
Endship
Enew
Eruke
Etik
Exerce
Exossation
Fand
Fazle
Feague
Fernamuck
Festino
Fewterer
Fibutor
Findhorn
Fistic
Fleme
Fourbe
Galeche
Galion
Gast
Gemew
Gestning
Gleimy
Governail
Greal
Hastif
Haye
Hicket
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place scores the book "The World's
Worst: A Guide to the Most Disgusting, Hideous, Inept, and Dangerous People,
Places, and Things on Earth."
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, March 8. Put "Week 858" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 27. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's
results is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex.; this week's
honorable-mentions subhead is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia.
Report from Week 854, in which we asked for jokes in the venerable simile form "men
are like . . . ," "women are like . . . ," etc., in eight
categories. IMPORTANT NOTE TO THE EASILY OFFENDED: Yes, we realize that many of
the jokes below are based on sexist stereotypes and attitudes that do not apply
to a great many men and women, and certainly not to you.
The winner of the Inker
Women are like flashlights:
Ones with two D's aren't always the brightest, but they'll do when the lights
go out. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
2. the winner of the classic
children's book "The Gas We Pass": Men are like Swiss army knives: No
matter how useful they appear, they mostly just pick teeth and open beer
bottles. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
3.Teenagers are like a
freshly bottled wine: They might be palatable seven years from now. (David Kleinbard,
Jersey City)
4.Men are like the TV yule
log: They're easy to turn on, but you're not going to get much warmth out of
them. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Hacksimiles: Honorable mentions
A man is like the Loch Ness
Monster: You suspect there's something under the surface, but no one's ever
seen it. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
Men are like dowsers: They
make all their decisions with just one thing, and once in a while even get it
right. (Kevin Dopart)
Men are like ringtones: A lot
of the time, you'd rather just switch to "vibrate." (Craig Dykstra,
Centreville)
Men are like the women in
"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock": They come and go. (Edmund
Conti, Raleigh)
Women are like kidneys: They
always go to the bathroom together. (Russell Beland)
Women are like IRS auditors:
You get more attention from them when you earn a lot. (David Kleinbard)
A woman is like the Pillsbury
Doughboy: soft and pliable -- until she gets burned. (Michelle Stupak)
Women are like closing
pitchers: It takes a lot of effort to warm them up just for a few minutes of
service. -- W. Beatty, Hollywood (Kevin Dopart)
Women are like members of
Congress: They'll do what you want, but you'll have to plead long, hard and
loudly, and it's very, very expensive. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park)
Women are like an E-ZPass:
The toll for entrance is always exacted later. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
Women are like barbed-wire
fences -- easy to become entangled with, but extremely difficult to get over
without a lot of pain. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)
Dogs are like trips to
Cleveland: Each day is like a week. (Russell Beland)
Dogs are like Losers: They
have just one use for The Washington Post. (Kevin Dopart)
Cats are like Visa cards:
They're everywhere you want to be. (Ray Gardiner, Olney, a First Offender)
Cats are like the Empress
Josephine: They'll do anything for a little shrimp. (Beverley Sharp,
Washington)
Cats are like Unitarians:
They're always questioning my authority. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Coffee is like life: Early
on, we accept cheap "instant" gratification; later on, we have the
patience to wait for the most expensive beans to come out of an animal butt.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Starbucks coffee is like
Barack Obama: hot, black, and what you shouldn't have if you want to balance
your budget. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)
Teenagers are like a sci-fi
film fest: Plenty of battles, the world keeps ending, and their dates are from
another planet. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
Teens are like crops planted
in poor soil: You can only hope they'll grow out of it. (Barry Koch, Catlett,
Va.)
Teenagers are like modern art
-- neither as dumb nor as deep as people make them out to be. Just something
hanging around the place. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Teenagers are like my 1992
Honda Accord: It's super-loud, it's started smoking, it takes forever to start
in the winter, and its trunk smells like a dead squirrel. (Josh Borken,
Minneapolis)
Facebook is like that White
House dinner for the Indian prime minister: It's free and anyone can join in.
(John O'Byrne, Dublin)
Facebook is like a pair of
nylon panties: synthetic intimacy. (Barbara Turner)
Facebook is like a hangover:
You can end up asking yourself, "HOW do I know this person?" (May
Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)
I am like a glass of
cabernet: mildly amusing, with an earthy aroma. (Bird Waring)
I am like the Empress: I'm
dark-haired and make a lot of jokes, but I never get my name printed in The
Style Invitational. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)
Next week: The news could be verse, or
Headline Muse